Progressively Louder Laughter

October 24, 2018

Colors

All last week my brain was going into an unsettling autopilot mode. As a result, I spent an exorbitant amount of time trying to remember if I had done small, yet important tasks. As much as I enjoyed the startling and confounding experience of early-onset dementia, it became my immediate goal to remedy this problematic state. I needed to give-in to cruise control.

The whole week, I kept thinking: I just want to stare at the wall for an entire day.

In the past (when time and money afforded it) I would have bought a ticket to a place with a nice beach. I would have spent a week staring, as if hypnotized, at the ocean. This was my ultimate reset to a busy summer. But one must find ways to be more prudent. Walls are much more economical.

And so, after a day of essentially staring at a wall, I decided to paint the wall.

I spent a little while picking a color. Then, second-guessing the color. Then, looking up the color on my phone to receive color validation from Janneke (she approved!) and Craig (he couldn’t care less). Side note: is there anything more fun than showing a man different shades of white? It’s like a riddle with no answer. The struggle. The involuntary face spasms. It’s glorious.

I landed on this lush green. Think: Frida Kahlo. Think: Iris Apfel. Think: Kathryn is happily hoping to become more eccentric with her design taste as she gets older. The more colors the better.

30 Minute Playlist: Colors

October 14, 2018

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All Tomorrow’s Parties

Alltomorrowsparties1

I have this goal to bake an apple pie by the end of the week. Actually, that goal was meant for this weekend but apple pies take a long time to make and most of my roommates are now vegans, so I am bracing myself for eating a whole apple pie over the course of a week.

My ability to make apple pie is one of the top reasons why I love myself.

I’ve just started ready this book called “The Art of Gathering”. (See below).

Over the course of this summer (and fall) I have sent and received about 15 million work text messages, many of which were exhausting, and utter stupidity. (Sorry!)

Since the text/general work communication is a kind of a necessary evil, I’d like to raise the bar where I can.

Several years ago I was listening to a podcast called Women of the Hour and there was one segment on the show that featured Emma Stone asking June Squib questions. It was delightful. It was a combination of laughing and sharing (despite their age gap) and it was absolutely heart-warming and familial. I distinctly remember that I was working out on the elliptical at the YMCA, and I made some kind of mid-year resolution to have more conversations/friendships like this.

At the time, I was working mainly with girls in their early twenties. I don’t mean to generalize but it became clear to me during this time that many young people are delusional enough to think that their youth alone is somehow a compelling trait. Compelling enough to not work on any other parts of their personality (the hubris!) So, suffice it to say, I was bored.

Soon after this, I started working for the company that I am now currently working full-time for. Things kind of just clicked. I was working with every age/race/gender, and having amazing conversations with all types of people. Now that I’ve worked there for a little while, I’m proud to say that I’ve been able to build my own little community.

The Art of Gathering is somewhat terrifying and exhilarating. It’s challenging and demanding but I think it’s on to something. By some weird coincidence my Mom called me while I was reading it to ask if I could help plan my sister’s baby shower…haha, buckle up big sis!

30 Minute Playlist: All Tomorrow’s Parties

^Breakfast 😀

^That time of year

October 9, 2018

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Human Behavior

I made it!

Though perhaps just barely. To help explain the last month, I will refer to the ending of the movie Gravity. I am aware that this comparison is embarrassingly dramatic, but guess what? I don’t really care. I relate to all of it. The spaceship burning up and the feeling of being stripped of any armor. I liken that to the patience and sanity I have lost along the way. The isolation. The pressing of every button. Always trouble-shooting. Adrenaline. More isolation (despite never actually being alone). And finally, that exhausting first step onto solid ground. Let’s be honest. I am still floating around in ambiguity while trying to decide on the direction of that first step.

The goal this summer was to try to find more balance between work and life. I did not achieve this goal. I laughed in the face of this goal. What the fucking. hell. am I trying to prove?

It’s pavlovian. Someone says: more work Kathryn? I start to salivate.

I immediately tried to reclaim my life upon re-entry. I went to see Hannibal Buress (though I could barely keep my eyes open). I saw Blood Orange and then interviewed another round of potential roommates (because life is a never-ending recruiting session). Then I got the hell out of dodge and went to Pembroke to see Brianne. She picked me up in Ottawa, and we drove about an hour north. The second we got out of her truck I felt that I could finally hear myself think. You know that feeling when you can’t help but grin from ear to ear? That was me. Silence. Ahhhh.

And then we just went on to having a ti-ome!* We hiked in Algonquin park, and danced around the house. We went to the spa, and drank cava and caesars in the hot tubs. We ordered steak and the cod and mussels and scallops. Our waiter loved us. We went to see a folk show in a nearby town. I think 70% of the audience was retired and it was amazing. There were moments when the music really started to pick up and an older gentleman would stand up, and start waving for everyone else to stand up in a motion that looked similar to someone directing a plane on a tarmac. He was bald-headed with a wide grin that reminded me of my late Morfar. It was the kind of earnest enthusiasm that made even the band blush.

I have been looking forward to October for so long that I completely missed the summer. It’s like I was in a trance and someone has snapped their fingers and suddenly it’s getting colder and winter is around the corner and I am feeling silly for letting time slip through my fingers. Should I dust off my backpack and look for adventure? Should I set my sights on a different city? A new vocation? A relaxing vacation? Pack my schedule with social engagements and bury myself in books, music and baking pies?

Would it be okay if I just floated here in ambiguity for a little bit longer?

*This is how Brianne says ‘time’.

30 Minute Playlist: Human Behavior