Progressively Louder Laughter

About once a month I experience something called sleep paralysis. It’s a condition that happens to some people, typically when they are either waking up or falling asleep. Essentially, your brain starts to become conscious or semi-conscious while your body is still paralyzed. Here is a better explanation because I am not a doctor.

Sleep paralysis starts in a very distinct way for me. While I am dreaming, it will start to feel like someone is digging their fingers underneath my ribs. This is so painful, that I become aware that I am dreaming and try to wake myself up. The act of moving or making any sound is almost impossible and the air feels like it is as dense as molasses. Sometimes I am able to fight my way up (or so I think). I convince myself that I am awake and sitting up in my bed only to realize I am back on my side, paralyzed again. I go through this cycle several times over. I am very conscious of the time that is passing, the phantom pain and the fact that I have to wait it out until something in my brain kicks in and I can finally be awake again. This often happens several times a night. It happened to me last night over the course of about an hour. Feeling stuck, knowing you are capable of movement (but just can’t) for what seems like an endless amount of time is agonizing.

What makes all of this worse is that I love sleeping. I’m pretty good at it too, but when you get stuck in a cycle of paralysis you start to resent the very idea of sleep.

About a week ago, I had actually written a blog post about making this year about creating micro-goals. I was SO gung-ho about these little to-do lists to keep the bigger picture on track. I was doing okay for all of three days and then what happened? I do not know. Some kind of mental paralysis.

I mean, one of the things on my to-do list is planning a baby shower, which is insane, since I have never actually been to a baby shower and keep wincing at the thought of a baby shower every time I start to map everything out. First of all, you can’t really drink at one of those things, and second… you can’t really have soft cheese because of listeria. *

The other thing on my list of things to do is…EVERYTHING ELSE, because work is dead and now is the perfect time to get things done. And what makes all of this worse is that I love getting things done. I love starting projects. I love having goals.

Is there anything more agonizing than feeling stuck, knowing you are capable of movement (but just can’t) for what seems like an endless amount of time? Is there?

Yes, absolutely. But let’s not get into that.

*I am also very excited and can’t wait to be the cool Aunt.

30 Minute Playlist: Strange Weather

https://open.spotify.com/user/12177791707/playlist/2eV5Rk8Aals5oxfgunmUqe?si=yFXJhxXRROm1KT0cFxRTBA

2018 will forever be the year that I got my act together and started a semi-regular blog. An act that took so long that most people sort of wince at the mention of it. Sooo two thousand and one.

It’s always been my main prerogative to make this blog as self-indulgent as possible. So with that said, I am going to make a list of the best stuff that I have come across this year. None of these things have anything to do with 2018 other than the fact that I discovered them in 2018. I don’t have time to complete this list today so I am going to keep fleshing this out over the next week…

Here goes!

5 Best Albums:

1. Spiritualized / Royal Albert Hall October 10, 1997 / 1997 / United Kingdom

I have made it my mission to mine good music from all decades, genres and countries. Sometimes you hit gold and find something that you have no idea existed and you feel that for the rest of your life you will get to be surprised by the simple act of falling in love music. This summer I got into Spiritualized (GOD I HATE THAT NAME) and one day while record shopping I found a copy of a live recording at Royal Albert Hall. I was hesitant to buy it because live records can be very hit or miss. When I got home home I put this record on, lay down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling and sunk into this good ol’ fucked up shoe-gaze, space rock, Lou Reed roller coaster. The album is about a man reeling from a broken heart so bad that he has medicated with drugs and alcohol and is now reaching out to a higher power. It’s a trip. I love it.

2. The Meters / The Meters / 1969 / New Orleans

Are you a sexy person? Do you want to listen to sexy music? Listen to this album.

3. Caetano Veloso / The White Album / 1969 / Brazil

I’m obsessed with Caetano Veloso. This album is pretty great from start to finish, but I particularly love the songs: The Empty Boat, Lost in Paradise, Carolina and Alfaomega. Caetano Veloso is the Jimi Hendrix and Bob Dylan of Brazil. He uses influences from rock, jazz, samba and bossa nova in his music so even a 50-year-old record feels experimental to our North American ears. I picked up this record in Brazil and the record store owner told me I was being a little obvious buying Caetano Veloso. I had to assure him that this record was not so obvious. Have you heard it? Didn’t think so 🙂

4. Witch / Introduction / 1973 / Zambia

There is a song called ‘Like a Chicken’ about a boy being scolded by his Mother. She tells him he looks like a chicken (?) The album is rawer than The Rolling Stones, psychedelic like Jimi Hendrix.

5. Speaking in Tongues (limited edition) / Talking Heads / 1983 / USA

I found this limited edition Talking Heads record at the Garrison flea market. It’s special because two of my favorites: Robert Rauschenberg (abstract expressionist artist) and of course, Talking Heads. Amen.

5 Best Songs:

1. Chakachas / Stories / 1972 / Belgium

This song is pure joy.

2. Sparks / Angst In My Pants / 1982 / American

I had no idea this band existed or that they are repeatedly mentioned and appear on Gilmore Girl (I don’t care what anyone says, that show is stuffed to the brim with fucking amazing references, it’s like a guidebook to good taste).

3. Lhasa de Sela / Por Eso Me Quedo / 1997 / USA, Mexico, Canada

Akira said the perfect thing about Lhasa de Sela when I first discovered her this year: only a gypsy could make music like this.

4. Nico / These Days / 1967 / USA

For years I have intentionally avoided Nico. To me, she represents the start of the fusion of branding and art, an ornamental flourish added to The Velvet Underground by a scene-obsessed Andy Warhol. Because of this, I had never heard her cover of These days. When I did hear this song, it was in a movie theatre during the previews: a trailer biopic about Nico. I was feeling pretty disconnected from people because of work. I was halfway through the year and I was wondering if I was doing things the way I had initially set out to do them. The song, the rendition- it just sort of hit me perfectly. The original (by Jackson Browne) is too saccharine, somehow bright, the rhythm seems complicated for no reason. Nico’s version is plain, matter of fact, stoic and yet still nostalgic and longing.

 

5. Coming Soon!

 

December 19th, 2018

I’m about to board a flight to New York for the second time this year.

Against all reason, I decided to wear a sweater that says ‘Satan is a Woman’. It was really comfortable, I didn’t feel like taking it off, and I decided that upon arrival I would hide it away in my carry on.

To no one’s surprise, I forgot to do this and remembered only as I was placing my belongings in the security trays. I decided that if the TSA agent seemed concerned, like: wow, this girl really has self-destructive tendencies- should we let her board a plane?, then I would bite my lip, look down in shock and exclaim “Oh! I thought that said SANTA!” (Which I realize is probably worse than wearing the sweater in the first place).

However, to my surprise, the TSA agent grinned, nodded towards my sweater and said “I wish I could give that sweater to my ex-girlfriend.”

And as I walked through that x-ray thing, and over to the other side, I noticed that all of the TSA agents (even the most stern guys of the bunch) were sporting a silly little grin on their serious little faces. It was nothing short of a Christmas miracle, brought to you by crazy women everywhere.

PS, this is not why I bought the sweater. Nor is it my interpretation of the sweater. But for one brief moment, I enjoyed seeing a softer side to the TSA department. TSA, homeland security: they all terrify me. They are the antithesis to good customer service. Today though, I got a little smile. That makes me happy.

Upon return, I will not be taking my chances with the U.S. TSA.

—-

December 27, 2018

Going to New York was the right thing to do.  It was the perfect chance to think about the year. This year began with travel, which was like some kind of incredible dream. You know when you build something up forever in your head only to be let down by unrealistic expectations? That was not Brazil. It was an incredible combination of amazing people, amazing food, SURFING, sunsets, hammocks and the exhilaration of figuring out most of it on my own. I felt brave and I felt alive. There was one particular cab ride to a vila I had rented in a beach town that will forever be burned into my mind as death defying. The vila was well worth it.

When I returned from Brazil, I dove right into work. I worked almost non-stop from March to October. When I wasn’t working, I was exhausted. That is also burned into my mind.

For the rest of the year, much to the utter pain of my bank account, I shifted my focus to my friends and having as much fun as possible. It has been the ultimate reward.

Getting out of Toronto and going to New York reminded me that it’s time to refocus. Maybe spend more time in New York working on creative projects. I think that will take just about all of my bravery in the way that all things you actually care about do. I’m ready for new challenges, I’m ready to take risks, I am fucking ready for what is next.

Let’s do this.

30 Minute Playlist: A Deal with Chaos

 

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