I have now accepted that life as I know it means almost always being nearly a little bit, but possibly maybe very, sick. I have been achy for weeks with the type of sore throat that serves only to alert you to the fact that you have been infected and that your body is about to undergo a battle of white blood cells and bacteria (honestly, I know nothing about biology and I might be making that up). I do not aim to spend my full life working but in the moments I do work, may I grind. May I work until I collapse. May I wake up excited for the next challenge that awaits.

I’ve come to recognize that suffering comes part and parcel with the exhilaration of a job. The higher the stakes the better the reward. There were times in the last week that I felt helpless and discouraged. I agonized over decisions while trying to fall asleep. I imagined every worst case scenario.  When I woke up though, I felt the battery, like I could suddenly spin the suffering into gold. If I had failed the day before, I was plotting a comeback. If I had won, I was arduously resisting the urge to relax.

I recorded a version of Joey by Bob Dylan. It’s a song about a mobster Joey Gallo. It has that kind of anti-hero-hero theme we have come to love in television; not an unfamiliar trope to the arts, but one that has recently become more mainstream and celebrated. I think I love it because Joey is an outsider middle child. He is a leader. I’ll forgive the sins of the man who feels like a mirror to me.

30 Minute Playlist: Joey