About once a month I experience something called sleep paralysis. It’s a condition that happens to some people, typically when they are either waking up or falling asleep. Essentially, your brain starts to become conscious or semi-conscious while your body is still paralyzed. Here is a better explanation because I am not a doctor.

Sleep paralysis starts in a very distinct way for me. While I am dreaming, it will start to feel like someone is digging their fingers underneath my ribs. This is so painful, that I become aware that I am dreaming and try to wake myself up. The act of moving or making any sound is almost impossible and the air feels like it is as dense as molasses. Sometimes I am able to fight my way up (or so I think). I convince myself that I am awake and sitting up in my bed only to realize I am back on my side, paralyzed again. I go through this cycle several times over. I am very conscious of the time that is passing, the phantom pain and the fact that I have to wait it out until something in my brain kicks in and I can finally be awake again. This often happens several times a night. It happened to me last night over the course of about an hour. Feeling stuck, knowing you are capable of movement (but just can’t) for what seems like an endless amount of time is agonizing.

What makes all of this worse is that I love sleeping. I’m pretty good at it too, but when you get stuck in a cycle of paralysis you start to resent the very idea of sleep.

About a week ago, I had actually written a blog post about making this year about creating micro-goals. I was SO gung-ho about these little to-do lists to keep the bigger picture on track. I was doing okay for all of three days and then what happened? I do not know. Some kind of mental paralysis.

I mean, one of the things on my to-do list is planning a baby shower, which is insane, since I have never actually been to a baby shower and keep wincing at the thought of a baby shower every time I start to map everything out. First of all, you can’t really drink at one of those things, and second… you can’t really have soft cheese because of listeria. *

The other thing on my list of things to do is…EVERYTHING ELSE, because work is dead and now is the perfect time to get things done. And what makes all of this worse is that I love getting things done. I love starting projects. I love having goals.

Is there anything more agonizing than feeling stuck, knowing you are capable of movement (but just can’t) for what seems like an endless amount of time? Is there?

Yes, absolutely. But let’s not get into that.

*I am also very excited and can’t wait to be the cool Aunt.

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