Human Behavior

I made it!

Though perhaps just barely. To help explain the last month, I will refer to the ending of the movie Gravity. I am aware that this comparison is embarrassingly dramatic, but guess what? I don’t really care. I relate to all of it. The spaceship burning up and the feeling of being stripped of any armor. I liken that to the patience and sanity I have lost along the way. The isolation. The pressing of every button. Always trouble-shooting. Adrenaline. More isolation (despite never actually being alone). And finally, that exhausting first step onto solid ground. Let’s be honest. I am still floating around in ambiguity while trying to decide on the direction of that first step.

https://youtu.be/JwtPePJpjpE

The goal this summer was to try to find more balance between work and life. I did not achieve this goal. I laughed in the face of this goal. What the fucking. hell. am I trying to prove?

It’s pavlovian. Someone says: more work Kathryn? I start to salivate.

I immediately tried to reclaim my life upon re-entry. I went to see Hannibal Buress (though I could barely keep my eyes open). I saw Blood Orange and then interviewed another round of potential roommates (because life is a never-ending recruiting session). Then I got the hell out of dodge and went to Pembroke to see Brianne. She picked me up in Ottawa, and we drove about an hour north. The second we got out of her truck I felt that I could finally hear myself think. You know that feeling when you can’t help but grin from ear to ear? That was me. Silence. Ahhhh.

And then we just went on to having a ti-ome!* We hiked in Algonquin park, and danced around the house. We went to the spa, and drank cava and caesars in the hot tubs. We ordered steak and the cod and mussels and scallops. Our waiter loved us. We went to see a folk show in a nearby town. I think 70% of the audience was retired and it was amazing. There were moments when the music really started to pick up and an older gentleman would stand up, and start waving for everyone else to stand up in a motion that looked similar to someone directing a plane on a tarmac. He was bald-headed with a wide grin that reminded me of my late Morfar. It was the kind of earnest enthusiasm that made even the band blush.

I have been looking forward to October for so long that I completely missed the summer. It’s like I was in a trance and someone has snapped their fingers and suddenly it’s getting colder and winter is around the corner and I am feeling silly for letting time slip through my fingers. Should I dust off my backpack and look for adventure? Should I set my sights on a different city? A new vocation? A relaxing vacation? Pack my schedule with social engagements and bury myself in books, music and baking pies?

Would it be okay if I just floated here in ambiguity for a little bit longer?

*This is how Brianne says ‘time’.

30 Minute Playlist: Human Behavior