Brazilians really can party…

is something I have heard repeatedly, and have thought repeatedly throughout the weekend.

For me, carnival is essentially:

• People in costumes everywhere 
• People singing everywhere
• Street vendors everywhere
• Block parties…everywhere

And…

• Realizing you really can’t party like Brazilians 

People in costumes everywhere

When it comes to dressing oneself for carnival, the main objective is to pack as much character into as little clothing possible. For the most part, the Rio Carnival Costume equation according to me is:

(Tutu + Head Piece + very little clothing) x A LOT of Glitter = The Rio Carnival Costume

In fact, I would guess that 80% of all Rio Carnivalers will at some point wear a tutu. Yes, this includes the men. It’s tradition in Rio for the men to dress in drag, making it impossible for little old me to distinguish the gay men from the single straight men. It’s one big spectrum of confusion.

2018’s Worst carnival costume: the ever-popular Uber costume, meaning: a person wearing all black and a sign that says ‘Uber’.

2018’s Best carnival costume (Chris’s pick): a man dressed up as a mother of two babies wearing a hairnet and moo moo and looking very distressed.

People singing everywhere

Where there is partying, there is music, where there is music, there is singing, and sometimes where there is no music, there is raucous chanting.

At every block party there is a big truck with a band that the people follow down the street.

On the subway, a group of people will enter your car and start chanting, inciting all of the former occupants to join in- which they will: dancing, hammering out the beat with fists to the ceiling.

And finally, while sitting at the beach and drinking your caipirinha, you turn your head upward and you see that there is Phil Collins advertisement in the sky on a banner. If you are particularly intoxicated (like Chris and I were) you will sing his hit song ‘In the air tonight’ every time it flies by.

Street vendors everywhere

You want it, they got it. Barbecued cheese? No problem. Fresh açai? Coming right up! Shrimp on a skewer (aka: what could be my Brazilian weight loss regime) uhhh… nãoooo obrigado.

It turns out that Brazilian Street vendors are all about their nuts. They’ve adopted the whole Lays chip sales tactic: ‘I bet you can’t eat just one’. Every guy with nuts will try to get you to have a little taste. Just one nut. Just put ooone nut in your mouth. Once you put ONE nut in your mouth, you’re going to want to put ALL of the nuts in your mouth. Come on, just give it a try. That’s right, ooopen uppppp. Get that nut in your mouth…it’s gonna taste so-fucking-good. PUT. MY NUTS. IN. YOUR MOUTH.

And don’t even get me started on the sausage-on-a-stick guy.

#1 Rule for Dealing with Street Vendors – DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT. If this doesn’t work and they still try to sell you something, you must say ‘no’ to them in the coldest, bitchiest, most ‘I’m a high school cheerleader’ way possible. The more detached you sound, the better. If they sense any morsel of empathy in your objectivity wealthy, English speaking voice, it will create within the street vendor an unbridled hope which will land you a 5-10 minute conversation of polite ‘no thank yous’ until you acquiesce or resort to plan a: the bitchy cheerleader ‘no’. It’s the Resting Bitch Face Olympics in Rio, Kathryn, you’ve been preparing for this your whole life.

Block parties…everywhere

Imagine a place with an uncomfortable amount of people dancing together in sweltering heat. Now multiply that amount of people times 100. That my friends is a block party at carnival.

Realizing you really can’t party like Brazilians 

Because Brazilians really can party, and I’m probably too old for this shit.

Which brings me to siestas…

Song of the weekend is a song about Rio de Janeiro by Gilberto Gil.

Here is a relevant translated verse:

Hello, lady from the favela*

That big hug!

Everyone from Portela**

That big hug!

Every february month***

That step!

Hello, Band of Ipanema****

*the favela is the slum

**the samba school (they play at the carnival parades)

***the month of carnival

****a beach/neighbourhood in Rio- see also Girl from Ipanema (a Bossa Nova classic)

Gilberto Gil – Aquele Abraço (That big hug)